Hidden Blessings

Swamped... a simple word to put to the past few weeks in my life. As a senior nursing student I have been busy studying for finals, taking last minute exams for each and every nursing class, while still trying to maintain my sanity by attending 2 small groups and tennis practices as well as choral rehearsals.

I haven't written on in my blog for awhile because of this stress quite honestly. I couldn't do it. I wasn't flowing out any realizations from the holy spirit that I wanted to remember. Looking back I really just wanted to get through those weeks as I had never felt so overwhelmed and defeated in my life.

As I was living through those times, I was seeking God. I was spending time in his word, spending time in prayer, and still engaging in fellowship with other believers. I knew I was ready for this. 6 months ago when my life changed I knew I would need to prepare for the seasons in my life where I would have earlier ditched out on God and did my own thing.  So this overwhelming time for me was a time I saw that I should be clinging to God with everything that I had. And that's exactly what I did.

Somehow though... I was getting defeated.
"Was this really what it's suppose to feel like?" was what I cried out to God every day.
It began to be too much. All of a sudden my test grades that were A's were sliding into B's and I didn't understand it. I was losing control... somehow... when I felt like I had been giving God control over my life.
"How could he do this to me?" I questioned him; yet still clung to him.
 Looking for answers in everything that I could. My heart ached for the answers to what was happening in this season of my life.

The most difficult weeks of my life I was crumbling. Barely able to physically take care of myself I still cried out to God for courage to make it through. I was still looking for answers to why. It wasn't until I was in my FCA small group that our leader said that what I was experiencing was not through Christ. It was not through God's doing as a way to discipline me or to "prune" me. It was clearly an attack of Satan and I needed to demand he leave me!

It was then that day that things started to change. Through prayer we called out to God and to Satan and demanded through Christs power to rid me of this battle and for Christ to be my strength. I was not longer a victim of Satan. I was in a battle in which I was armed with the Holy Spirit.

Looking back, that was the day it all changed. I began feeling confident in my abilities as a nurse again and in my ability to really care for my patients. It didn't matter that I had gotten a B on an exam at all. All that mattered was that I was able to competently care for my patients and love them with the Love Christ has shown me countless times.

I was reading off of Leslie Ludy's online magazine called "Set Apart Girl" and came across this today:

• "But as i prayed about the fierce attacks upon my life, God gently opened my eyes to the fact that the hits were not coming form him - they were coming from the enemy of my soul. God did not want me to resign myself to accepting these attacks. Rather, he wanted me to call upon his name and allow Him to come to my rescue. James 4:7 says "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." I hadn't been resisting the enemy's blows because I had assumed they were coming from God - or at least being allowed by God for the purpose of discipline."
• "God was showing me that when the enemy attacked, He didn't want me to accept it. He wanted me to stand up and fight by the power of His spirit." 
• "God disciplines us and refines us, but not in a harsh, cruel way. God's ways bring light,  not darkness , and life, not death" 

Reading this today allowed me to really reflect on the past few weeks and see that although I didn't react appropriately to the circumstance I know now the difference. And most importantly as i sit here and write out this Blog post I am excited once again to see where God leads me. Looking back it was a struggle and I know many more of those are coming my way. But I know that the lesson afterwards is one that I will take with me through the rest of my life. I will be able to better recognize attacks from Satan with God's help, and drive him out with the power of the holy spirit.

My Christmas Song

My Christmas Song

            It was a long three-hour drive, through the dark and snowy countryside of farmland in Northern Minnesota. I sat in the back seat of our family car wondering what I would see, what I would feel, and how I would be able to give this unusual Christmas gift to my family.
            This Christmas Day was different and everyone in my family could feel it. It wasn’t long before we pulled into the outskirts of a small town that barely lit up the night sky from the distance.  

As my dad parked the car outside what appeared to be an empty building, I recognized familiar cars all around us.  I stepped out of the car onto the snow-laden ground and took a deep breath as my lungs filled with rigid air that was blowing down from Canada.  As I made my way with my family up the sidewalk I was greeted somberly by a sign hanging above the sliding doors; it read: Hospital. 

As we entered, the warm glow of Christmas lights gave life to the environment in which we now inhabited. When we rounded the corner and walked down the long hallway towards my aunt’s room, we were welcomed with open arms by family and the aroma of a full Christmas buffet lining the hallway.

After the greetings were complete I stepped quietly into the dimly lit hospital room. There was gentle Christmas music playing on the radio.  Family members began to enter the room as I made my way to the left side of her hospital bed. Within moments every chair and space available were filled in this one-bed hospital room. My mother reached in front of a small illuminated Christmas tree and inserted a CD into a compact disc player. 

As music filled the room, nervousness began to fill my heart. I brought my attention to my loved one lying in the bed and looked at her with my heart breaking.  She was so small and frail.

 I began my song.

As the notes and chords filled the room, emotions of those listening began to rise. Tears trickled slowly down faces and noses reddened. I struggled to give voice to the lyrics…was losing the strength to continue... My aunt reached out to me and quietly said, “Its okay, Meg. I love you. ”

I closed my eyes and continued to sing. As I sang I reflected on the love that was filling this room, I was overcome with the love of Jesus Christ and the blessing of my family surrounding me.

I could feel it; the Holy Spirit was there, just as alive and real as anyone else in the room.  Our Savior who came to earth as a baby two thousand years ago was among us, in that small and crowded hospital room. 

            As my song ended and the music faded, the Holy Spirit lingered in the room like a warm blanket. My family cried and held each other through last year’s Christmas celebration. It wasn't my voice or the song I chose to sing that marked the change in the room that Christmas Day; but the presence of Jesus through the Holy Spirit. 

            Although my aunt is not present here on earth with me and my family this holiday season,  I find comfort in knowing she is celebrating with Jesus today in heaven. My family held each other close last Christmas,  and I hope you also will hold your families close this year. Look for Jesus in every tradition and bring His love into the center of your celebrations.  Merry Christmas

This is one of the songs I sang for my aunt last Christmas "Be Born in Me" and this Chistmas I sang it at our churches Christmas Eve service.