Hidden Blessings

Swamped... a simple word to put to the past few weeks in my life. As a senior nursing student I have been busy studying for finals, taking last minute exams for each and every nursing class, while still trying to maintain my sanity by attending 2 small groups and tennis practices as well as choral rehearsals.

I haven't written on in my blog for awhile because of this stress quite honestly. I couldn't do it. I wasn't flowing out any realizations from the holy spirit that I wanted to remember. Looking back I really just wanted to get through those weeks as I had never felt so overwhelmed and defeated in my life.

As I was living through those times, I was seeking God. I was spending time in his word, spending time in prayer, and still engaging in fellowship with other believers. I knew I was ready for this. 6 months ago when my life changed I knew I would need to prepare for the seasons in my life where I would have earlier ditched out on God and did my own thing.  So this overwhelming time for me was a time I saw that I should be clinging to God with everything that I had. And that's exactly what I did.

Somehow though... I was getting defeated.
"Was this really what it's suppose to feel like?" was what I cried out to God every day.
It began to be too much. All of a sudden my test grades that were A's were sliding into B's and I didn't understand it. I was losing control... somehow... when I felt like I had been giving God control over my life.
"How could he do this to me?" I questioned him; yet still clung to him.
 Looking for answers in everything that I could. My heart ached for the answers to what was happening in this season of my life.

The most difficult weeks of my life I was crumbling. Barely able to physically take care of myself I still cried out to God for courage to make it through. I was still looking for answers to why. It wasn't until I was in my FCA small group that our leader said that what I was experiencing was not through Christ. It was not through God's doing as a way to discipline me or to "prune" me. It was clearly an attack of Satan and I needed to demand he leave me!

It was then that day that things started to change. Through prayer we called out to God and to Satan and demanded through Christs power to rid me of this battle and for Christ to be my strength. I was not longer a victim of Satan. I was in a battle in which I was armed with the Holy Spirit.

Looking back, that was the day it all changed. I began feeling confident in my abilities as a nurse again and in my ability to really care for my patients. It didn't matter that I had gotten a B on an exam at all. All that mattered was that I was able to competently care for my patients and love them with the Love Christ has shown me countless times.

I was reading off of Leslie Ludy's online magazine called "Set Apart Girl" and came across this today:

• "But as i prayed about the fierce attacks upon my life, God gently opened my eyes to the fact that the hits were not coming form him - they were coming from the enemy of my soul. God did not want me to resign myself to accepting these attacks. Rather, he wanted me to call upon his name and allow Him to come to my rescue. James 4:7 says "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." I hadn't been resisting the enemy's blows because I had assumed they were coming from God - or at least being allowed by God for the purpose of discipline."
• "God was showing me that when the enemy attacked, He didn't want me to accept it. He wanted me to stand up and fight by the power of His spirit." 
• "God disciplines us and refines us, but not in a harsh, cruel way. God's ways bring light,  not darkness , and life, not death" 

Reading this today allowed me to really reflect on the past few weeks and see that although I didn't react appropriately to the circumstance I know now the difference. And most importantly as i sit here and write out this Blog post I am excited once again to see where God leads me. Looking back it was a struggle and I know many more of those are coming my way. But I know that the lesson afterwards is one that I will take with me through the rest of my life. I will be able to better recognize attacks from Satan with God's help, and drive him out with the power of the holy spirit.

My Christmas Song

My Christmas Song

            It was a long three-hour drive, through the dark and snowy countryside of farmland in Northern Minnesota. I sat in the back seat of our family car wondering what I would see, what I would feel, and how I would be able to give this unusual Christmas gift to my family.
            This Christmas Day was different and everyone in my family could feel it. It wasn’t long before we pulled into the outskirts of a small town that barely lit up the night sky from the distance.  

As my dad parked the car outside what appeared to be an empty building, I recognized familiar cars all around us.  I stepped out of the car onto the snow-laden ground and took a deep breath as my lungs filled with rigid air that was blowing down from Canada.  As I made my way with my family up the sidewalk I was greeted somberly by a sign hanging above the sliding doors; it read: Hospital. 

As we entered, the warm glow of Christmas lights gave life to the environment in which we now inhabited. When we rounded the corner and walked down the long hallway towards my aunt’s room, we were welcomed with open arms by family and the aroma of a full Christmas buffet lining the hallway.

After the greetings were complete I stepped quietly into the dimly lit hospital room. There was gentle Christmas music playing on the radio.  Family members began to enter the room as I made my way to the left side of her hospital bed. Within moments every chair and space available were filled in this one-bed hospital room. My mother reached in front of a small illuminated Christmas tree and inserted a CD into a compact disc player. 

As music filled the room, nervousness began to fill my heart. I brought my attention to my loved one lying in the bed and looked at her with my heart breaking.  She was so small and frail.

 I began my song.

As the notes and chords filled the room, emotions of those listening began to rise. Tears trickled slowly down faces and noses reddened. I struggled to give voice to the lyrics…was losing the strength to continue... My aunt reached out to me and quietly said, “Its okay, Meg. I love you. ”

I closed my eyes and continued to sing. As I sang I reflected on the love that was filling this room, I was overcome with the love of Jesus Christ and the blessing of my family surrounding me.

I could feel it; the Holy Spirit was there, just as alive and real as anyone else in the room.  Our Savior who came to earth as a baby two thousand years ago was among us, in that small and crowded hospital room. 

            As my song ended and the music faded, the Holy Spirit lingered in the room like a warm blanket. My family cried and held each other through last year’s Christmas celebration. It wasn't my voice or the song I chose to sing that marked the change in the room that Christmas Day; but the presence of Jesus through the Holy Spirit. 

            Although my aunt is not present here on earth with me and my family this holiday season,  I find comfort in knowing she is celebrating with Jesus today in heaven. My family held each other close last Christmas,  and I hope you also will hold your families close this year. Look for Jesus in every tradition and bring His love into the center of your celebrations.  Merry Christmas

This is one of the songs I sang for my aunt last Christmas "Be Born in Me" and this Chistmas I sang it at our churches Christmas Eve service. 

Quenching the Spirit

I started my day out running 6 miles and listening to Francis Chan's "The biggest lie of your life" sermon on Youtube.
Since it took me 1 hr to run the six miles I had a lot of time to really think about what he was talking about and reflect it back on my life.

This past Thursday I spoke at our schools FCA meeting. I talked about following God's will for your life.
It was not until today that I began to realize that part of following God's will for our lives is listening to the spirit when it calls us. And I realized I wasn't being 100% obedient to Christ and the Holy spirit.
I took a spiritual gifts assessment about a week ago. Given this spiritual make-over I have gone through it only made sense for me to re-examine my spirit and see perhaps where God would have blessed me with fruit to share. The results were that I was highest in Showing mercy, and tied for pastor/Shepard and serving.
I thought to myself... what?! Pastor/Shepard?

I was not surprised at all that I was highest in showing mercy. My major is nursing after all.  but Pastor/Shepard? That's like... leading people, like get up in front of groups of people to talk to them about God, talk to them about following the Bible. I don't do that. I am a side conversation, small group, share my faith to close friends type of person. But for me to be called to stand up in front of a group and speak to them about the love of God and what he commands us to do was something I would never claim for myself. 

If this was a white elephant gift exchange event you bet I would be the first one to try and switch out my "Pastor/Shepard" fruit of the spirit for someone else's "giving" spirit. 

As I was preparing for my little speech for FCA I was very nervous about saying the right thing, about having if "flow" correctly, and even about how long it would take me to do it!
When I was done speaking on Thursday night, I got a few compliments on my speech. It felt good to  have nice things said but it felt even better to be done with my speech. 

It was not until today, that I realized I had given my life up to God fully 3 months ago... I promise I would follow him where ever he leads me. I would accept his blessings with open arms and work at being a bountiful fruit of his spirit.

It was a rude awakening to realize that perhaps God has blessed me with the ability to actually be a leader.
I don't know where God is going with everything. Maybe me fully surrendering my life over to him and trusting him to fully guide me in this life will give stength to others to pick up their cross and follow Jesus whole heartedly.

I will willingly stand before believers and admit my mistakes and share Gods true mercy and grace with them. We are all in this together as a body of Christ. I know God has the ability to use my mistakes to help other people and give them hope or understanding in a situation. 

Life's Study Session

The absolute truth of the Bible:
So many of us read the Bible daily. We read it for 10 or 15 mins at a time and think about the passages for about 30 mins and then we move on with our day. We cry out to God and question him when he does not answer. We take control of our crazy lives just to realize that we are stressed beyond belief and have no idea where to go.
Why is it that when we read the Bible we read it as if we are reading any other textbook at our college?
Are we taking it for full face value? Do you know who wrote the book?
Think about it this way.
I am in a class... there is no textbook, and a lot of our class sessions start out with "What do you think about this or that?"
Our instructor will write all our classes answers on the board. For a term as simple as "leader" we have 10 different definitions on the board. Then the instructor moves on to the next question.
It's not until the  night before the exam when I am cramming, do I realize we never got a definitive answer to the questions. I was sitting there with 10 words that may or may not be the words she is looking for on the test to define her definition of leadership. We were too busy creating our own definitions that we didn't realize that we didn't have the most important answer... our instructors.
See I feel this is a great illustration because I really feel God leading me to talk about the importance of the Bible and the impact that we are currently letting it have on our lives.
When we die we will all stand before God. What will be running through your head when you see him face to face?

God has given us the Bible. A book written by him, for us to get through this life. It holds many key verses such as verses:
 to get through struggles Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your god. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
to be with us through joyous occasions: 1 Peter 1:8 - though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.

Where are we, if we as a society start deciding how to interpret the Bible against what the Bible already says? We can go around all day creating our own definition to all the sins in the book.
But think about it... what ultimately matters? What we have to say? what we have defined for ourselves?
Or is what matters most what our instructor, our heavenly father above has defined as the true answer to our questions?
Whose giving the test?
Whose the student?
We are all accountable for our studying time in classes and it's not different for when we are called home. We are accountable for all the times we could have studied his word, and spent time with him, but chose to live out our own definitions of a great life.
His Bible is our manual to Life, the life he had originally planned for all of us long before the fall at the Garden of Eden.
So when you are reading the Bible think of it as God's guide to our lives. Think of it as a place where you can run to for understanding in situations where the world doesn't view things the same way as you. The Bible should be our foundation not simply a rough draft of how to live our lives.  If you base your life off of the bible

I want to challenge you to live your lives truly believing everything the Bible has to say.
Go out there, take the first step. It can be unbelievable scary, but cling to God. In the end remember he always has the right answer.
Let's study for the biggest test of our lives, and live out his word in a practical way!

For the LORD God is a sun and shield the LORD will give grace and glory. no good think will he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in you.
{Psalm 84: 11-12}

[Obedience]

Complete obedience
I sit here and I listen to the words in Chris Tomlin's song "Majesty of Heaven"
He is majesty, he will reign forever.
He's the one I am following. As I find myself once again in a time of loneliness and not knowing what the future holds, I know where I can find my peace.
My stomach is in knots, my heart is racing and it's been this way for a few hours. I can't seem to get deep enough breaths.
I'm dying to myself, I'm living for him.
I have to keep reminding myself what life is all about. That the way i have previously set my goals in life is different now. I'm scared. I want to grab onto anything that is going to give me support in this storm of life. Through this season of change and pruning from the lord. He is ridding me of anything and everything that has come in between his love for me.

Today I deactivated my Facebook account. I know God was calling me to let go of that "idol" in my life as I have spent too much time worrying about what I was posting, and how I was being displayed on Facebook. I don't feel like I i am keeping myself set-apart for God when I share details of my life with everyone. I need time to step back, and focus on God. Redirect my addiction of checking my Facebook notifications towards God and answering him when he calls me.
I'm different now, I felt Facebook would never fully share with the world how my heart is different, how I've changed. And so I'm starting new.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart" 

- Jeremiah 29:13 - 

God is being nothing but gentle. I'm blessed that he knows exactly what I can  handle and what I can't. For now I am content with not trying to grab onto something or someone down here who can physically comfort me. Instead i'm turning to him.
I feel blessed that I have come to that time in my life where I am finally looking at being independent and living my life solely for Christ. Being true to him and my promise to be his bride. Content in his love, content in listening to him for guidance.

My Reality

"But Megan, is that realistic?"
....
The thing is when I heard that I didn't think of  it as the world views that statement.
I viewed it as the way my heavenly father would view that statement. I believe with a statement like that he would chuckle and say... "there is no realistic for me. I am in the business of doing the impossible."
 I'm not here to think that for a second my life will be "realistic". My hopes and my dreams are placed in my heart by God. There has never been a single individual or soul duplicated in the world before. Everyone is unique in their own way because our God is a creative God.
I long to live my life according to the Bible and follow God where ever he may lead me. Even when sometimes I hear the silence instead of his spoken words.
You see I feel like God has made a promise to me. I'm not going to get into details but there have been many times in which I could have caved in my own desires. i could have begun pursing the things here on earth that I had fully given over to God.  I would have snatched the control right back out of his hands and attempted to do things my own way again.
If i would have caved in a moment of temporary feelings I know I wouldn't be where I am today. To know that my life is in the hands of a God who controls the whole universe gives me a sense of peace. To me it seems to be only logical to trust God with everything, as he is the true controller of everything. It doesn't matter what my view on anything is, his will will win every time.
So for me to live my life and look at terms as realistic and unrealistic i think that's unfair. I believe with the power of prayer from a faithful heart God can and will do miracles.

I know my  dreams are planted in my heart (realistic or not to this world), and my God sees them. They are very real to him, and one day his plans will be revealed. Even if his plans don't pan out as i would have hoped it was still realistic to me because I have a real powerful God.

 "Trust in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37.4

The Difference

I am just finishing up the study guide of "Crazy love". Francis chan asks us to reflect on a time in our lives when we were on a spiritual high of had a huge moment of comittment and then fell out from under it and began living life as if nothing had changed.  I had to answer yes to that question.
At the end of high school I went on a missions trip to Montana. Things happened on that trip that really  moved me. I saw God alive and well living in the students that were along with me and also in different situations I/we encountered while out on the evangelical team.
I saw God working and moving... but I realize now it was not through my faith. It was through everyone elses around me. I believed in God yes, I could recite bible verses and say the right things but looking back that was not what a relationship with Christ really is.
This summer something happened. There was a change in my heart and God was in control the whole time. When I first started wanting something new, wanting to really look into and develop my faith in God I had no idea where it would take me. I'm different now. I don't look at situations and people the same.
Sure there are many times I fall back into actions that I once took, but we are all sinners. Just because I am in a deep relationship with Christ doesn't mean i am still not human. Its in my nature to sin. I just know know that through Christs forgiveness of me I have the strength to ask my fellow friends for forgiveness when I feel I have wronged them, or wronged God.
I'm not falling away from Christ this time. After the Missions trip I was talking about earlier I lost my close relationship with God once I hit college. It could have been the fast pace movement of my social life along with my school work, or it could have been that I was too busy trying to create a nice smooth path for my future to play out on. I don't know, but what i do know. Looking back now at 3 years ago... I'm a different person. I'm not just a "christian" by the worlds standards. I will stand up for God when he calls me to. I will admit my wrongs without fear of what others may say against me.
Because to me it's not about my sins. i know they are there. I will point them out, I am continually striving to be more like Christ. And it's a bumpy road. God never promised it would be easy. But he did promise that we would never be alone. Deuteronomy 31.6 states: " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
So when I am answering that question in Francis Chans book... 
I don't know what the difference is this time between the last time I was on a spiritual high. But I do know there is a difference. The holy spirit is alive in me. I want to be the best reflection of who God is that I can be. It is only through him and his forgiveness that I am able to accomplish anything.

I found my God this summer, but most importantly I found my relationship that I was looking for for so long.

Ephesians 2.4-5: "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.."

{Be Still}

Time has passed since the last posting... many things have been on my mind.

1} I started reading my Bible and studying it on my own about a week ago. I use to think the bible stories were not applicable to my life at all. I enjoyed reading the new testament as I felt like it gave a lot of direction on how to live the christian life. With Paul's warnings and words of wisdom to followers it was easy for me to know what was right and wrong.

It was not until I began reading the book of Genesis that the Lord really opened up my eyes and my heart to the basics of our relationship. I realized that with my growing relationship with God how fair would it be of me to know pursue his story, his beginnings.

As I read through Genesis I was captivated by the stories of Noah, Abraham, Issac, Jacob, and Joseph. These men lived extraordinary lives following God's will for them.
What surprised me and calmed my heart was exactly how God interacted with them. For the longest time I thought that I was missing something. I was not constantly feeling his words, or hearing him as he spoke to me. I figured something was wrong with my faith. That maybe I just didn't fully trust God, or maybe I didn't know how to hear his voice. I even thought about asking one of my spiritual leaders in my life about how to hear God's voice.

It was through Genesis that I realized I was "hearing" God, just not in an audible sense. I have felt his presence and feel the holy spirit inside of me working it's magic.  Although we are a good 4000 years into the future than Noah, I still fully believe his God {my God} is alive and living today in the world. For Jacob he went to in a dream, GOODNESS... He wrestled with God one night as he was trying to sleep. It's very evident that God works in mighty ways, he knows we are going to question topics, he knows we are going to push him away and try and control our lives. But the truth is... he never leaves us, he has forgiven us all the same, no matter what the sin.

Also something that struck me in Genesis was exactly how BIG and MIGHTY my God is. He's the one true God. The God who knows everything, it doesn't matter if I choose not to add something in a prayer, he sees me, he hears my thoughts, he knows my future. Why wouldn't it make sense to trust him, even when I feel he is silent...

2} This past Friday I was beginning my journey home and began praying to God for a safe drive him. It then struck me that perhaps I should pray for God's presence and his well to continue to be done through out my day.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that fully surrendering to God's will scared me. i would say it took me a good 5 mins before I was ready to fully surrender to the prayer of God's will being done on my way home, and accepting the fact that perhaps I might not make it home safe.
What really had an impact on me was his gentle voice telling me... "Megan, you may think you are in control of what to pray for, but my darling I'm still in control. No matter how you choose to state your prayer. My will will be done no matter what, for I am your God."

It struck me because in life I feel that's how it really goes. We suggest things to God and we will pray for things. But in the end God's will is the one that will reign over everyone.
God loves us so in Psalms 37:4 it states: Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" He will listen to our prayers that we pray in faithfulness to him. He wants nothing more than for us to draw closer to him and to love him as our creator. And he wants nothing more than to see us happy and prosperous in his love and blessings he reigns down on us.

3} My last thought of the night...
Trusting God, and I mean really trusting him is something I can now say that I am living out and doing. I just recently finished Francis Chan's book called "Crazy Love".
It was through Francis that the urgency of following Christ by Biblical principles was revealed to me.
When all else has been failing I have complete assurance that what is in the Bible is my standard of life. I will be judged against everything in that book when I stand before God.
From loving my neighbor, serving the poor, and not being selfish or greedy. It's all in the book and I believe God takes it very seriously.
I'm finally living one day at a time... I'm not scared anymore. Don't get me wrong, I can still tend to have a few "freak out" moments in my head. When I take a moment to pause and remember who is in control and what will matter when I enter eternity, I am able to calm myself down and give the control that was never mine back into his hands.
I have had a few conversations with people about fully trusting and following God.
Most recently in the area of my love life. I have completely given that area of my life over to God and I truly trust that he knows what is best for me. With the pressure in today's culture to not be single and then for woman to step up and make the first move is definitely real in today's society. With the help of God I feel confident in my decision to let him have complete control.
For him to "Take all the applications" from men that are interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I am/will be filtering every young man through God as he enters my life. I am not going to make the first move, I won't initiate anything because I believe God has put Man as leader, and i feel if they are the leader at the very start of the relationship it will continue on through our relationship centered in Christ. Just as Christ loves the church, shall the young man that captures my heart love me. But most importantly he will love God more than he will ever love me.

I'm excited... I want to live the life God has planned for me.
And for now... {I will be still}

My Baptism Day!

This past Sunday was such an amazing day for me!
Along with my family and friends and church I was baptized. I can't explain the emotions or the joy that was in my heart finally taking this next step in my life.
God has been so good to me and so patient as I am growing closer to him everyday.
This may sound funny but being able to stand before the church and make a commitment to follow Jesus for the rest of my life kind of felt like my wedding. I was committing to the one person who will never leave my side, and who will always know exactly how to handle me. He is the only thing that can fill the hole in our hearts and give us Joy ever lasting.
He is gracious to forgive and so willing to shower his grace and mercy upon us. Our God is so Good!

A little jazz, a Little Candle Warming my Heart Tonight

It's a cold Friday night here and we are getting out first official snow fall of the year. I'm snuggled up on my couch listening to Michael Buble and finishing up a paper. 

It has been such a wild and crazy week for me. A lot of moments that I could have broken from the stress or I could have allowed the stress of senior nursing courses to consume me. 

But last night at FCA came the realization of just how small the amount of time stressful moments really take up in my life in compareson to the realm of eternity. It's minimal... I will make it through.

I've been in prayer many times this week over settling my heart. A lot of unknowing calls I've cried out to God, looking for his wisdom and his guiding hand. 

I am blessed to have survived such a chaotic week and I couldn't ask for a more relaxing evening of big band music mixed in with a little jazz, a warm blanket and the aroma of a hazelnut candle glowing beside me. 

So sit back and enjoy a little Michael Buble with me...  

"Best of Me"

A little song for your beautiful fall afternoon!

I sing...
It was not until recently that I began singing in church and at events because before I was so scared to let other's hear my voice. Only through God do I have the ability to share a gift he has given me.
This song that I'm posting is called

Not for a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews

The lyrics to this song are amazing and show of God's unwavering love for us. How he never leaves us in our time of need and even when we feel the darkness of this world consuming us.
I play it many times when I need to know that although I am walking on this earth I am never alone and he will never for sake me. I hope you enjoy and if you like the  song you are able to buy the original on Itunes under Meredith Andrews!

Lyrics:

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,

Even when I could not see.

In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away.

Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.

Even when I could not hear.

I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show,

Not for a moment did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.

Every tear, every cry, every breath.

In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it's hard

You will never leave me

After all

After all, You are constant.

After all, You are only good.

After all, You are sovereign.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Cleanse me Lord...

{fall is now officially here.}

it might just be the changing of the seasons that seems to really symbolize the change that is happening in my life. for many years I have always wanted to embark on the "set-apart" life, and finally it is happening.
It seems only crazy not to set apart my life for God when he died to give me mine 2000 years ago. Waking up each morning and longing to spend time with God in his word is something I have not grown use to. When ever I walk past my open Bible I just want to sit down and get lost in his word. I never believed people who said they daily spend time with God and in his word. I would always wonder what it felt like to have that longing and to actually enjoy the time spent reading and praying.

call me weird, call me crazy. 

this relationship that is growing between me and my savior feels very similar to the ones I have developed down here on earth with my other relationships. 

It started out slow... I spent about 30-45 mins in his word and praying a day.

then before I knew it, as a busy senior nursing student i was getting into bed at 9:00pm just to spend an hour with {jesus} my new "person" of interest. 

now i find myself planning to go to bed at 9:00pm and get up 1 hour earlier to spend time with him so that i can start my day out to a positive godly start.
it's going on 7 months of being single here, with no technical boyfriend. honestly my heart was never available to God to take control and for me to fall madly in love with. it wasn't until i chose him to be my final love interest that i realized how extravagant his love really is. 

i sat here reflecting today, praying my heart out for him to hear me and to speak to me, it wasn't until just now that i realized i was rushing things with my relationship with him. i am not grown enough to know the difference between his voice and my voice telling me what to do. 

with every day passing i am falling more and more in love with him. 

the longing of my heart is pointing towards him 

when i go out into this world i can sense where i have not lived the life he has dreamed up for me. 

it's a gentle pull at my heart when he pauses my life for a second so i can reflect. 

this time in my life, this season, is for change; for him to come into my heart and cleanse me of all my past mistakes and actions. he does it willingly and finally... i am giving my life to him {willingly}.

"search me oGod, and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

see if there is any offensive way in me, 

and lead me in the way everlasting."

{psalm 39:23}

{God's Love}

" I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you" 

- John 14.18

 " Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than clothes. Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them." 

 - Matthew 6.25

Two verses that are about our heavenly father taking care of us. One of my biggest struggles has been fully trusting in God to take care of me. I like to plan my life out perfectly, envision nothing but the best. What comes with that is a lot of stress. I can't help but think to myself, "What happens if this doesn't happen?", "What will happen if I can't afford to pay for this or that."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart..." Another verse that goes right along with these two passages. One that through Francis Chan brought me out of my slump and my constant worry of my future. Sure there are times when I start to plan my perfect little life again. But it's not long before I stop and realize exactly who has the pen to my life and whom I trust to write the perfect "life"script for me.

As God is taking care of me, I came to a realization today that yes God is taking care of me. He will provide me with the food I need to eat and the clothes I need to keep me warm in the cold winter's that strike Duluth. But I never realized that maybe... just maybe when he says in John 14.18 "I will not leave you as orphans"; he may also be meaning his lost children. I know when my God was not deeply rooted in my life I felt like an orphan. I was constantly looking for a home and love that would fill every space in my heart. When he came to me I felt his welcoming arms.  As orphaned child in his huge world, I finally felt I was home.

And I was thinking when he says: "I will come to you." He is talking also about his people going out and spreading his love. We are all made in the image of God and have him living in our hearts. "...God's seed remains in him" {1 John3.9}
Going out into our communities and carrying with us the seed of Christ in love is number one. We can be the one's he sends out to take care of his orphans. Whether it be through giving of our time in volunteer work, through donating articles of clothing, or through prayer for people in need.

Our God is Love - 1 John 4.8
How blessed are we to have the seed of Love in our Hearts?

Calm in the storm...

That's what I'm doing. I'm searching for the calm in this crazy storm of life that I am once again a part of here in Duluth. So many things have changed over this summer that coming back to school I was nervous about being back with everyone who was use to how I interacted with people and the me that was here last May.

The truth is I'm not that girl. God has opened my heart to more things this summer than I ever really thought could be possible. The moment I walked into my apartment I went through my closet and sorted out clothes and shoes that I was going to donate. I don't want to be the old me who needs the materialistic things of this world. I was blessed in that I have the ability to afford things that I need and a few things that I want. I am so happy and feel joy in my heart when I am able to donate to people that are in need.

I am still nervous about all the changes that have taken place in my life. It's not that I fear I am making a mistake, but that it will be hard for me to not be accepted by people in my life because I share different beliefs or feelings towards things. I am a girl full of energy and I am wondering what they will think when I don't laugh at some of their jokes or I don't find entertainment in listening to disrespectful music.

One of the main reasons for this post is to just get it off my chest about how I'm feeling; Staying calm in the storm... Last year I over loaded my plate with things and activities to spice up my resume. I felt like I somehow gained respect from people if I was involved in many things on campus and I lived a busy life and was somehow able to handle myself and appear stress free.

Coming back to school really hit me hard as I know now that being in all the activities was not conducive to where I feel God leading me. But the truth of the matter is I made a commitment to hold office in clubs and to take part in both tennis and choir and be a leader in both. Right now through God's grace and mercy I am able to see that right now I am needing to cling to him. I made a choice and now we are going to get through it together. I feel that come December when things change up for the next semester I am going to clear my plate being God led. I have the oppurtunity now to interact with many people in these groups and once again hopefully shine through the love of Christ. Not to make myself look better but to make his love evident. It's amazing how God can take a life and turn it around at any given second.

A time of Change

The past few weeks have been an absolute roller coaster. Luckily I feel as if God has buckled me safely in for the ride and promised me not to let the cart crash.

Two weeks ago I set out with two aunts, my mom and my grandma to Colorado. It was a great trip and I really thought all it would be was a nice escape before heading back to school for my final year of Nursing school. I had no idea that God would use the time in the mountains and with my family away from the craziness of my life to really grab a hold of me and not let go. ( In reality I didn't let him go this time)

I recently started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is a great book and I went out and finally bought it about a month and a half ago. You see about three years ago I went on a missions trip with my High school youth group out to Montana. While out there I was on the Evangelical team and we were driving all around the country side praying and helping out with different things. When we were stopping in one small town we noticed a big group of people setting up an event in a city park. When we went over to check it out we realized it was another youth group from Washington who had been there all week and ministering to the youth through the book "Crazy Love". That was the first time I encountered this; if i may say it, 'radical' book.

Over the past few years I have thought about reading it. And honestly the part of me that was keeping myself from buying it was that if I did in fact read it, that I would then be held accountable for what I read. I would need to make a change... or I would feel that I would need to; because of the impact it had had on the youth from Washington.

Well I started reading the book this July. I was finally ready. I was tired of trying to figure out exactly how to make myself happy and I wanted to finally connect fully with the one I supposedly put all my trust in.
When I went in to buy the book the lady who sold it to me said that it was a phenomenal book and that I would absolutely  love it. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She told me as I was walking out the door that she could tell I had the Joy of the Lord in me. And you know what... I really feel like that day I did. I was finally ready to surrender everything I had to pick up my cross and carry it along side Jesus.

Through that book I was able to discover exactly how 'lukewarm' I had been for the past few years of my life. I finally believe I have the hope of eternal life in my heart, and a love for God that words can not describe. Our God is such an amazing God. To think that for the past 19 years of my life I wasn't experiencing this peace of just trusting him is unbelievable.

I am entering into my Senior year of nursing in about a week. I can't believe God has blessed me with so many things I do not deserve. What an amazing, loving, and merciful God we have.
I am so excited to develop my relationship with my Savior. And as weird as it sounds I am looking forward to seeing exactly how I am able to tackle not being able to see where he is going with something. I love trusting him that much. It's truly a blessing for me.

Meredith Andrews - Draw Me Nearer

Kirsten's Bridal shower!

Ice Cream bar!

Kirsten opening gifts

Today was a great day to celebrate such a special time in our family!

This evening was such a blast  as we held Kirsten's Bridal Shower at house! My aunt Barb and Kay from my dad's side of the family and Aunt Kris (Mom's sister) were able to make it and as well as both my grandmas! It was great to see them and to get together again with Mari-Jo as she has been such a great family friend for what seems like forever! Once Kirsten's family arrived the festivities began!
We started out playing a ridiculously hard game of "Celebrety couples" but the truth is... they were all old celebrity couples! haha So the older people in the group took the prize on that one! the next one was a "how well do you know the Bride and Groom" quiz. That was so good and suprisingly the bride did not win! It was her sister Katherine (Maid of Honor) that pulled away with the prize!

The funniest game by far was the last one in which we were instructed to give advice to Kirsten using the letters of her name.
It was such a great idea and if you know me... and my relationship with Elliot and Kirsten you would know that I couldn't just give them serious marriage advice. so I came up with my own and ended up pulling away with the winner for "I". "'I'f you ever feel like laughing really hard or you are upset with Elliot when he says "I love you" you reply "I love YouTube" really fast and it sounds exactly like "I love you too".
Haha it is a proven fact that it works! My other one's were far from serious and when she was suppose to guess whose advice was whose... she always guessed mine because i would start laughing long before they finished reading what i had written! :)

I was such a great time tonight spent with my family and friends! The wedding is July 7th, which we learned is exactly 7 weeks from today (5-19-12). It was the perfect placement of days for a wedding on 7-7 :)

I am getting more and more excited that we will be joining families in a little over a month and a half! :)

Kirsten (left) and Mindy practiced dancing!
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